I Will Be Afraid

I Will Be Afraid

1920 1280 Micah J. Murray

“When I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will not be afraid.”

That’s what the Psalmist said, but me? I’m not that bold.

I have a confession:

When I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will be afraid.

When I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will wake up screaming in the night, choking on one word lodged sideways in my throat: “Help.”

In the Valley of Shadows, I will stumble around my kitchen half-paralyzed by worry playing an endless game of what if what if what if inside my bruised and bloody brain.

I will sit on the couch and stare at the walls as they creep closer and closer to me, threatening to squeeze all the air of the room.

Yes, when I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will be terrified.

I will be helpless.

When I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I’ll wake up in the morning tangled in sheets and anxiety, and whisper your name over and over again because I don’t know what else to do:

Please help me, Jesus. Please help me, Jesus. Please help me, Jesus.

In the Valley of Shadows, Jesus will feel light-years away. From the bottom of this crevasse I’ll look up at the night sky that rests so heavy on my shoulders and he’ll be only a speck of light in the distance. I’ll want to get to him, but in the Valley of Shadows it will feel hopeless.

I’ll stand up and walk to the shower, where I’ll curl in a ball under the running water and pray until there are no words left, only screaming sobs.

When I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will open my Bible to the Psalms, or perhaps Isaiah, and read:

“Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid.”

And I will be scared to death.

Then, in the Valley of Shadows, I will light a candle on my desk against the darkness. I will turn on music that feels infinitely more hopeful than my battered heart, and will my tired arms and legs to dance.

Yes, when I walk through the Valley of Shadows, I will be afraid. So very afraid.

And I will keep walking.

 

Originally published at micahjmurray.com. All Rights Reserved.


 

Micah J. Murray

I write about Jesus, culture, church, politics, family, and equality. Sometimes I write for A Deeper Story and the Huffington Post. I’d love to speak at your conference or church about any of this stuff.

All posts by Micah J. Murray

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