Silence greets her like a room of smoke, stifling and heavy. She paces back and forth, her heart beating like an invisible sword cutting through the white noise.
Why, why can’t I let this go? Where is the peace I am promised? Is there something here for me to learn? She plops on the floor creating a moat of tears around her. She wants to scream, yearns to cry out to ease the pain building up inside.
What If . . .
If you don’t do something . . .
You’re not good enough, strong enough, smart enough . . .
You’ve messed up . . .
Why are you crying???
Familiar words which unbeknownst to her stir up the smoke like a smoldering fire gaining traction. “Words have the power to give life or to take it away,” she remembers a mentor telling her once.
SO WHY DO THE WORDS IN MY HEAD CONSISTENTLY SUCK THE LIFE OUT OF ME?
She finally allows herself to let go, feeling the tension subside a little as she realizes her screams are floating up.
A beam of sunlight cuts a path to the floor as she allows her gaze to follow. UP, when was the last time she looked up? When was the last time she allowed herself to have a conversation with The One who knew her best? Oh to go back to that little girl that believed. To go back to the carefree wonder of yesteryear when she could sit at Abba Father’s Feet. To go back to a time when she didn’t have a million demands and worries drowning her.
Faintly, she hears . . . “Beloved.”
Moments pass, seemingly forever, but really only a few. She gazes down at the old leather book on the shelf. She hears the whisper again . . . “Beloved.” She can’t take her eyes off of the book which had been laid down years ago. Opening the cover, she caresses the inscription from a loving mentor.
“I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13
A long time since she had heard those words, spoken them even. When did I stop believing? She hears her voice cut through the silence. She opens to the page where the worn bookmark resides. The bright yellow color leading her gaze to the words which changed her life, “For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son that whosoever believes in Him shall not perish but have everlasting life.” John 3:16. Words so powerful, they seemed to have been spoken directly to her.
“I do love you,” she hears in her spirit.
The tears fall like diamond drops on her cheek. With the book in hand, she sits in the light and one by one she feels them dry like laundry on a warm summer day. As if Papa God is lifting them one by one and placing them in His bottle, as the psalmist wrote in Psalm 56:8.
Her fingers find the fold left behind a few pages before . . .
Jesus is having dinner with one of the Pharisee’s. A woman in that town who lived a sinful life learned that Jesus was eating at the Pharisee’s house, so she came there with an alabaster jar of perfume. As she stood behind Him at His feet weeping, she began to wet His feet with her tears. Then she wiped them with her hair, kissed them and poured perfume on them. Luke 7:36-38 paraphrased
She knows the feeling of utter grief, burdens so overwhelming they explode like a flood of emotions relieved as the dam breaks. Are the woman’s tears a relieving of burdens at Jesus’ feet? Or are they joy over the truth that He has already relieved them?
Do you see this woman? Jesus says to Simon. She wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven – as her great love has shown. Luke 7:44-47 paraphrased
Oh Father, she lifts her head to the sky, I want to know the joy of forgiveness. Please lift these burdens from my heart, I give to you the WORRY that I cleave. I believe in your gift of grace and I ask that you pour your grace over me, pour your love into me and allow me to feel the peace which you have promised.
Jesus said to the woman, “Your faith has saved you; go in peace.” Luke 7:50
The smoke clears, the woman stands up with a great smile and sees the dove on the window sill.
Thank you, Papa.
Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy. Psalm 126:5
Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7