Slipping Silently

Slipping Silently

500 341 Becky Hastings

We often think of drowning as a loud, splashy affair. That’s where we’re wrong. Drowning often happens without a single sound or a cry for help.

I haven’t gone to church regularly in almost six years.

There was no big falling out, no spiritual abuse, no change in belief. Life happened and I slipped under the water without a sound. I don’t think anyone even saw me go.

Sometimes when the water overtakes you, you hope for a lifeline. Sometimes you’re content to go quietly. I guess I was the latter.

It started with my third pregnancy. The morning sickness did a number on me. With two toddlers at home PBS was the only way we made it through most days. There was a month that I really didn’t even leave the house. A month.

When my mom picked the kids and me up one Sunday morning while my husband worked, I cried. She took me to church wearing clothes I had worn to bed the night before, no makeup, and tears the whole way. Surely this must be the bottom.

I got to church and saw how wrong I was. Bottom came when I realized no one had noticed my absence.Picture2

The morning sickness passed and I made sporadic appearances at church, but a few months later I had an infant and two toddlers and my husband worked weekends. Survival was at the top of my list; dressing and pretending everything was fine was not. Weeks turned into months.

Every so often I would rally my energy and give it another go at church.  Every time I went I was slapped by the smiles and “good to see you” responses that didn’t extend past 11:45.

I am not placing blame. I retreated. I let go. I gave up.

But I will say that no one came after me.

Now, it’s almost six years later and I still haven’t found a home. It makes me hold my breath like I’ve been punched in the stomach.

I have no way to fix it. I have no great understanding. I’m left sad and unsure. So I’m doing one thing. Exhaling.

Exhaling the pain.
Exhaling the uncertainty.
Exhaling the name of Jesus.
Because I want Him more than a church.

I'm exhaling the name of Jesus. Because I want Him more than a church. @myinkdance Click To Tweet

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This post is part of a series called 31 Days of Exhale. You can find more at myinkdance.com. While you’re there, sign up to get a free copy of Becky’s e-book ‘Dare To Believe: A Manifesto Of Faith’.

 

Becky Hastings

Becky believes in embracing grace in the messy real of life. At My Ink Dance, she captures hard, uncomfortable, often unspoken feelings and brings light, honesty and God’s truth to them in a relatable way. Becky is a wife and mother of three in Connecticut writing imperfect and finding faith along the way. Read more from Becky at www.myinkdance.com.

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4 Comments
  • Mary Harwell Sayler June 21, 2016 at 7:54 am

    Becky, I’m so sorry this happened to you! I pray you find a church home where people keep in touch with one another and have true fellowship in their worship, Bible study, and fun times too. Our little country church welcomes new people and checks on one another, but I’ve been in large congregations or parishes who also did that. May God guide you and all who read this into the joy of Christian love.

    • Thank you so much, Mary. We have found a church recently and are working on plugging in there. I am grateful that my faith hasn’t wavered…I’ve not lost sight of God on the way. It is so important to find ways to connect with one another, too. I am so grateful that you have a place where that happens for you. And I really appreciate your encouragement today!

  • Becky, Tune in wherever you are to crossroads.net/anywhere . Come back to Him get back into the habit, find a local group and worship in community. Your writing is inspirational and we need you to be connected.

    • Thank you for your encouragement Simon. God is showing me the way back to community. I’m grateful I haven’t lost sight of Him on the way. I will check out crossroads! Thank you!

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