I am tired, just so bone-achingly tired of it all. My list could spread across my living room, but right now, what’s most ringing in my rib cage is that I am tired of everything being a lesson. When did life become a string of tests to solve, pass or fail? I’ve been trying to strategize how to best come out on top since this new, unknown world was thrown before me, terrorized of making the wrong choice, going about the wrong decision, always wanting to be right with God’s will. It has paralyzed me in the fiercest ways, constricted my heart, no—scraped dry and buried my heart—and sealed me tight in the box of my own rules and law. Because surely there is one way over another, the best Plan A for my life, the right door to walk through, and if I veer the slightest bit off course, I’ve ruined God’s beautiful design for my life and have missed out on the top tier of what He had in store for me.
I am done with dissecting my every thought, word and deed. Done analyzing every step and tearing myself apart. Done soaking my tears in the carpet as I fall to the floor at how difficult life seems because I’m not picking up on it, not doing it right, not coming out on top like I know I am meant to, and I just keep failing, coming undone at the end of myself.
It’s all too much. Too much pressure, too much conformity. Too much noise being slammed into my ears, too much ministry mumbo-jumbo cluttering my soul. Jesus said to come to Him for rest, not with research in hopes He marks us worthy of continuing on to claim higher spiritual ground.Jesus said to come to Him for rest, not with research... @SRennAwake Click To Tweet
I keep trying to balance between the blessings and the burnout winding loosely through my heart and mind. Though my voice is caught, cracked and dry, my heart refuses to die. And the farther I fall, the deeper I unravel and catch the sting gripped on flesh of my chest.
I may always walk with a limp. My heart will always speak with a stutter. But there is a most peculiar beauty in the breaking.
Joy is within me because of Jesus. But happiness—that is a misconstrued emotion I have shied away from, because being happy is superficial, so all the deep ones say. Well, I need a bit of surface in my spirit right about now. Be gone with serious and set out to find my smile.
Enough academics—I never loved school that much, anyway. Get out of your head, foolish one. Not everything needs to be stored as knowledge. Sometimes, you simply have to live.
I am literally over and over handing my heart to God, inviting Him into my feelings as I explore the hidden things He’s stitched within me for good reason. More dance than degree, learning that life is not one big lesson. There is blood bright red in the readiness of dipping toes into the fog, cold and wet, bare feet following the unseen. Wonder in the mysterious. Right now, let’s just live. Let my spirit flow free to follow this ever-curving current.